My Birthday: to celebrate or to mourn!

15^th September! 

It is the day my mom took me in her arms and hugged her daughter for the first time. Yeap, it’s  my birthday.

But I am perplexed, whether to celebrate this day or should I mourn?
Should I be happy that I came to this world on that day?

I was happy until the last year.
Every year my mom would be the first one to wish me day of my birth at the mid night no matter how far we are. Her intense love, care and blessings were always with me.

But, how can I be happy on my birthday this year when my mother who gave me birth is not here with me!

It is not only my birthday; rather it is the day of celebration for both a mother and a child. A mother is born with her child. So how can I be celebrating this partial happiness?

Twenty-six years back she carried me in her womb for nine months. She fall sick numbers of time because of her pregnancy. She faced very uncomfortable condition for nine months because of the internal and external changes in her body for keeping me safe inside. She went through several different emotional changes due to hormones changes.

Moreover, she went through the unbearable pain to bring me in this world safely.

Even bearing all these, she smiled seeing me face for the first time, hugged me tightly as I was her heart, and kissed me, as I am her soul.

Leaving her studies and work, she happily accepted her responsibility to nurture me. She kept awake in the nights to make me sleep peacefully sleep.

She cried hiding her tears when I fall sick or I got hurt ever.

She made food for me, make me to eat with her hand.
She take care of my clothes, toys, food, my sleep, my studies and everything which I need.

She sacrificed her dreams, wishes and desires without complaining even for once.

My first love, my teacher, guide, inspiration, motivator, a doctor, my angel who prayed for me, kept fast seeking god blessings for her child.

She gave me life, made my life and taught me to live my life as well.

The more I say, the lesser it seems!

But, I could not even protect her from a dreadful end of her life.

More than the fact that I lost her forever, the ugly truth stab my heart each split of second.

Today, for the first time in my life, there is neither any excitement nor any happiness for my birthday inside my heart as before. Instead, a feeling of guilty, regret, and sorrow has occupied my head and heart completely.

I am not able to stop my shedding tears.
Later I decided to celebrate my biggest failure and the loss of my life and mourn silently with my loneliness.

I switched off my mobile on the previous night. I do not wanted to talk to anyone, as I was sure I would burst into tears when anyone will wish me my ‘Mourning Day’ to be happy and prosperous.

I wanted to go far away from home, hide at any isolated place for the whole day, and remember my scattered family.
My mom died and my dad decided to untie the knot of the string with his children. 
Then what is the point of celebrating the day?

*

On the other side..

My family (mom’s family with whom I live) is preparing for my birthday with all excitement, from a month before. My brother and friends reminding my upcoming birthday, and making their plans for the celebration.

My well-wishers are excited to shower their blessing on me on my day.
My little cousins were waiting eagerly for the day.

 I got a blow and mind felt a jerk. What the hell I am doing? Moreover, why I am doing so, when there are so many people around me who still cares for me, love me, and want to see me happy and trying every moment to keep my smile alive from within my heart.

How can I be so mean to be crushing their excitement and happiness, which is meant for me only, for the sake of my broken heart?

Can’t be I happy for them at least if not for myself? If I am not feeling any excitement from inside, can’t I pretend for those who are trying to give me all pleasure and to want to see me happy on my birthday?

When they are also dishearten and even then want to give happiness to someone, is it not my accountability to give some happiness to them in return?

My heart was struggling with the mind vigorously!

Finally, I decided to celebrate my mourning and my family’s happiness together.

I decided, when I have to live, I should live happily with my tears. Let my smile wipe off my tears before anyone could see them coming out.
Let me laugh a loud that no one could hear my cry.

While regretting for not able to save one life, I should not pull away myself with my responsibility to save others life which I can do at least now.

It was not my wish to born into this world and lives this life; rather it was the decision of god. Then I should respect it, accept my past, and present.

While I can’t run off my past, at the same time, I can’t close my eyes to rescue from my present.

Life is to live, not to regret and mourn a longer for the sorrow.
I decided to live through together, with pain in the heart and sparkling eyes and smile.To spread the light of happiness like my birthday candles!