My Birthday: to celebrate or to mourn!

15^th September! 

It is the day my mom took me in her arms and hugged her daughter for the first time. Yeap, it’s  my birthday.

But I am perplexed, whether to celebrate this day or should I mourn?
Should I be happy that I came to this world on that day?

I was happy until the last year.
Every year my mom would be the first one to wish me day of my birth at the mid night no matter how far we are. Her intense love, care and blessings were always with me.

But, how can I be happy on my birthday this year when my mother who gave me birth is not here with me!

It is not only my birthday; rather it is the day of celebration for both a mother and a child. A mother is born with her child. So how can I be celebrating this partial happiness?

Twenty-six years back she carried me in her womb for nine months. She fall sick numbers of time because of her pregnancy. She faced very uncomfortable condition for nine months because of the internal and external changes in her body for keeping me safe inside. She went through several different emotional changes due to hormones changes.

Moreover, she went through the unbearable pain to bring me in this world safely.

Even bearing all these, she smiled seeing me face for the first time, hugged me tightly as I was her heart, and kissed me, as I am her soul.

Leaving her studies and work, she happily accepted her responsibility to nurture me. She kept awake in the nights to make me sleep peacefully sleep.

She cried hiding her tears when I fall sick or I got hurt ever.

She made food for me, make me to eat with her hand.
She take care of my clothes, toys, food, my sleep, my studies and everything which I need.

She sacrificed her dreams, wishes and desires without complaining even for once.

My first love, my teacher, guide, inspiration, motivator, a doctor, my angel who prayed for me, kept fast seeking god blessings for her child.

She gave me life, made my life and taught me to live my life as well.

The more I say, the lesser it seems!

But, I could not even protect her from a dreadful end of her life.

More than the fact that I lost her forever, the ugly truth stab my heart each split of second.

Today, for the first time in my life, there is neither any excitement nor any happiness for my birthday inside my heart as before. Instead, a feeling of guilty, regret, and sorrow has occupied my head and heart completely.

I am not able to stop my shedding tears.
Later I decided to celebrate my biggest failure and the loss of my life and mourn silently with my loneliness.

I switched off my mobile on the previous night. I do not wanted to talk to anyone, as I was sure I would burst into tears when anyone will wish me my ‘Mourning Day’ to be happy and prosperous.

I wanted to go far away from home, hide at any isolated place for the whole day, and remember my scattered family.
My mom died and my dad decided to untie the knot of the string with his children. 
Then what is the point of celebrating the day?

*

On the other side..

My family (mom’s family with whom I live) is preparing for my birthday with all excitement, from a month before. My brother and friends reminding my upcoming birthday, and making their plans for the celebration.

My well-wishers are excited to shower their blessing on me on my day.
My little cousins were waiting eagerly for the day.

 I got a blow and mind felt a jerk. What the hell I am doing? Moreover, why I am doing so, when there are so many people around me who still cares for me, love me, and want to see me happy and trying every moment to keep my smile alive from within my heart.

How can I be so mean to be crushing their excitement and happiness, which is meant for me only, for the sake of my broken heart?

Can’t be I happy for them at least if not for myself? If I am not feeling any excitement from inside, can’t I pretend for those who are trying to give me all pleasure and to want to see me happy on my birthday?

When they are also dishearten and even then want to give happiness to someone, is it not my accountability to give some happiness to them in return?

My heart was struggling with the mind vigorously!

Finally, I decided to celebrate my mourning and my family’s happiness together.

I decided, when I have to live, I should live happily with my tears. Let my smile wipe off my tears before anyone could see them coming out.
Let me laugh a loud that no one could hear my cry.

While regretting for not able to save one life, I should not pull away myself with my responsibility to save others life which I can do at least now.

It was not my wish to born into this world and lives this life; rather it was the decision of god. Then I should respect it, accept my past, and present.

While I can’t run off my past, at the same time, I can’t close my eyes to rescue from my present.

Life is to live, not to regret and mourn a longer for the sorrow.
I decided to live through together, with pain in the heart and sparkling eyes and smile.To spread the light of happiness like my birthday candles! 

Exchange Offer

Allahabad !

One of the most awaited destinations while my travelling.

No! No! I was not neither going to Allahabad nor had a chance of meeting anyone I know there waiting on Allahabad station.

Ha! Let me explain you what made me to wait anxiously for Allahabad from the next tenth minutes I boarded the train at Agra fort today morning at 9:15.

I have travelled a lot (most of the times, alone) all over India and outside India as well.

In bus, train or flight, I was never been fortunate in case of co- travellers till date.

Every time I wish to get an interesting person to be my travel partner, but unfortunately my journey always ended up being most boring.

So later, I started praying for the same while booking the tickets only. Again, nothing turned out good.

From 2 days back I was praying to God, “Please God, this time any how manage to bless me with a good  co-traveller, so that my boring day journey in such disgusting train ( the only option I got while booking the ticket one month back the travelling date. Thanks to Indian Railways!)

The travelling date reached.

1.      The first thing I hated about this train was that it was a day journey.

2.      It gonna take much more the time I travel with other trains from Delhi to Patna.

And in condition 1  & 2 I had to travel all alone, gonna be a pakau (boring) day journey I hated ever.

Anyway, the reason 1 & 2 were more than enough to be unhappy and unexcited to the journey.

At 9:15 that is 15 minute late the train arrived station- Agra fort.

With my luggage, I entered coach and the next step was searching my seat.

A lady in her 40’s welcomed me sitting on the same seat I was looking for.

Normally people try to give space thinking the owner of the seat arrived in case they have occupied a vacant seat, but this lady was in her own world enjoying on my seat.

“Is this yours?” I asked her pointing towards my seat.

“Yes”, she replied with a ‘I don’t care attitude’.

‘Grrrr..’ it was too disgusting, “How it could be possible?” I said while rechecking my mobile confirming the seat- Coach B2, seat-44.

It was my seat only.

‘O God! Again!’ I had to thanks to god for such wonderful company for my journey.

Meanwhile, a girl lying on opposite side upper seat  said, “ ours is 45 and 46.”

“Grrrrrr....” Can’t she tell the same the first time I asked. A dumb girl like her great mom.

Without looking at her I adjusted my luggage.

“till where are you going?” The lady asked me.

“Patna”, I said.

“And till where you are going?” I asked her politly.

“Allahabad”

‘Thanksgod ! not the whole journey atleast.’ I was bit relaxed.

As I sit on my seat,

“We have a seat there as well (pointing somewhere among seats 1-40 ). You can go there.” She said to me.

“hmmmm...Nopes, I am fine here’, I said with my trademark smile.

I expected her to let me sit on the window side, but it was a hopeless wish.

Any how I managed to keep my bag and place myself on the 20 percent of the vacant space on my seat left after occupied by that lady and her one daughter.

Not even ten minutes passed that, her husband came from somewhere and after knowing that seat no. 44 is mine, he offered the same exchange scheme that his wife offered to me.

“We have two more seats there, you can go there.” He said.

“Thank you uncle, but I am fine here”, I refused his proposal.

I gave a look around. Except mine, all other 5 seats belong to the family travelling with me. They were seven in number with an old man in his 70’s, another man in his late 40’s or early 50’s, the lady I introduced in the beginning, two girls in their teens and two guys in their teens again.

“It will be good for you and us as well if you shift. We all will be comfortable here.”He insisted again, that too in a very irritating manner.

“Uncle, anyhow you are travelling till Allahabad only and I have to go till Patna. After Allahabad again I have to come back here only, so better I will complete my journey on my seat only.” This was my turn to give irritating smile to him.

I took out a novel to spend my 6 hours.

I couldn’t complete even my tenth page, found uncle worrying again for the seat.

“The seat there are empty, I am asking her (looking at me) to shift there, but she is not listening.”He said to his father sitting next to him.

Now my temper was getting high.

“Hadd hai!” I raised one of my eye brow controlling myself while looking into the 2^nd chapter of my novel.

They already have est of the 5 seats and it is day time, some time back only they all woke up, and this much of space is less for them to sit.

And I was getting any valid reason to leave my seat and shift to their ‘s.

“So much of silence is there, no one came yet there.”he continued with a pause.

Enough than enough man !

Why don’t he go himself there to be in peace instead of irritating me again and again.

 Now it was getting unbearable for me and I decided to be a BAD girl.

‘Let me show them how stubborn this girl travelling alone is!’ I said to myself.

Slowly from 20 percent seat I occupied 50 percent of the seat. And opened my lunch box. Aroma of my veg-biryani was increasing my hunger.

I was enjoying every spoon of my yummy biryani while they staring me for the seat.

I took more than twenty minutes to finish my lunch along with my two chapters.

I closed my lunch box, put it back in my bag, and went to wash my hand.

While coming back, I heard some known voice before reaching my seat.

“See, almost all seats are empty here, these two are ours”, That uncle was showing me the vacant seats he had.

“O my God !”, it was too much now.

It was almost tenth times, “You have already finished your lunch, now you can sleep there ” he said with an irritating giggling as I reached my seat and was about to sit.

I closed my book and looked at him (he was sitting opposite to me). My one eyebrow raised as usual my anger reach the critical point, and took a deep breath to be in control.

Cleared my throat.

“Respected uncle,

From very first time, I made it clear that I am not going to leave my seat at any cost, so please stop asking me for another time. I have booked this seat from Agra till Patna station and I will sit-sleep or do whatever on this seat only. If you or any of your family member have any issue with my presence you have already two vacant seats there, any two of you can fully utilise those seats. And stop bothering me now!”

I almost shouted in anger.

There was a silence in the cabin as the other people were also listening with so much of interest.

Two young guys on the side lower sseat and witness the whole conversation from the beginning were smiling, as even they had got irritated by this family’s behaviour ( I don’t wanna share those things here.)

Thereafter that aunty with one of her daughter and her two sons went to the other seats they were sending me and I spread my bedsheet and blanket to take afternoon nap and prayed to reach Allahabad soon !

A every new journey gives a new experience!